Space

photography by vikky.salmon

We are part of a space, and space shapes our lives to a large extent.

We are nurtured, we grow up, we live in a squat.

A spot with its own dynamics, a system that applies its own rules of survival.

We are meant to be on a specific place at a particular time, as has been planned and organised.

Just like I.

I was supposed to have spent nearly a quarter of my life in this concrete constructionist cube.

Instead, I have spent it inside of post-war renovated apartments some 200 kilometers away.

Initially, I felt the first space was home. I lamented.

As soon as I was asked, whether I don't consider myself a citizen of the northern country, I though NO!

But with time, 

Sunday goodbyes have stopped being so painful, 

as I had people and places to look forward to up there.

I started to enjoy the changing balance, that fine line.

As long as I was on the move.

As soon as I got back to the first home, back home I should say, I realised I didn't know many.

But when I was up there, I was still considered the foreigner.

I felt unsure of where I suited.

Started questioning where home was.

And it seemed like I was living a double life.

xxx

Sme súčasťou priestoru, ktorý nás do veľkej mieri formuje.

Vychovávajú nás, rastieme, žijeme v peliešku.

Na mieste s vlastnou dynamikou, bojom o prežitie.

V danom čase na danom mieste, tak, ako to bolo naplánované.

Tak ako ja.

V tejto konštruktivistickej betónovej kocke som mala prežiť skoro štvrtinu svojho života.

Stalo sa však tak, že som ju prežila v prerobených povojenných bytoch 200 kilometrov od domova.

Na začiatku sa mi zdalo, že prvý spomínaný priestor je domov. Lamentovala som.

Kedykoľvek sa ma ktosi opýtal, či sa necítim byť obyvateľom tej severskej krajiny, v duchu som si pomyslela: "LEN TO NIE!"

Ale časom,

smútok spojený s nedeľným lúčením strácal na intenzite,

pretože som sa mala na koho a čo tešiť tam hore.

Začala som si užívať tú dynamiku balancovania na tenkej hrane.

Teda, pokiaľ som bola v pohybe.

Akonáhle som sa vrátila do prvého domova, mala by som povedať len domova, uvedomila som si, že nepoznám veľa.

Avšak, ak som bola aj tam hore, považovali ma za cudzinca.

Nebola som si istá, kde zapadám.

Začala som premýšlať nad tým, kde je domov.

Zdanie vravelo, že žijem dvojitý život. 

But now I know that I ain't. Because these two spots are starting to merge, mix and match. 

Something I could have never imagined before.

Something that seemed so unbelievable and I feared that moment to come.

However I understood.

I feel, that sitting in one spot is not for me at the time.

Although I have shed a thousand tears in mourning over the place I have left,

I know,

that if it wasn't for that,

I would never be the person I am and where I am.

And it's becoming more clear, that with time, I am able to understand more.

Or at least I like to think so.

Patience. Just be patient, dear patient.

Is that all?!

xxx

Teraz však viem, že tomu tak nie je. Pretože tie dva priestory sa začínajú prelínať, mixovať a dopĺňať.

Niečo, čo som si nikdy nevedela predstaviť.

Niečo, čo sa zdalo byť neuveriteľné a ja som sa toho bála.

Avšak pochopila som.

Na teraz viem, že sedieť na jednom mieste pridlho nie je pre mňa.

Aj keď som vyronila asi tisíc sĺz nariekaním za miestom, ktoré som opustila,

viem,

že keby niet toho,

nikdy by som nebola
tým, kým;
tam, kde
som.

Stále viac si uvedomujem, že s časom toho rozumiem viac.

Teda, aspoň si to tak rada beriem.

Strpenie.

A to je všetko?!

20092015